This was written two days ago, and I’ve waited to publish this ‘at the right time’. I suppose this is the right time. Where a certain hope has been fulfilled, faith has become sight, and the Love still lasts forever.
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I’m sure there is a certain quota of number of thoughts my head can contain on one day.
Well say I go by percentages, I suppose there are days where things aren’t as complicated and all I have to think of, or all that is in my mind is mainly what’s for dinner tonight, how many emails do I have to shoot off to the lecturers and stakeholders today, and what’s on this coming Friday night. (And a lot more stuff, surely my mind can do so much more.. like remember my own name.)
Well that was probably a month ago, where things were stressful on a manageable level. But guess what’s worse than that? Ans: Things that are stressful of which you can’t do much about.
Yeah I can send those emails, and cook those meals, but I can’t make money from nothing. I can’t make my PFC go away. (Yeah I hate that it’s always about money)
Yesterday was like an assault on the thoughts. Just when I thought I got it in control, that I surrender all the worries to God, sudden one conversation opened the dam of worries and everything once again. And believe it or not, at that point of time, I was trying to get down to studying. Really. It seemed like my mind, like my RAM and CPU usage both skyrocketed to 100% and then my system hung.
But instead of alike giving the computer some time to chill and catch up and restore back to working condition, it broke down and I had a blue-screen-of-death moment.
I had no choice, I had to. I cried out to the One with the only thought that overrides everything in me:
(for all the promises You have given and I have claimed)
Do not delay, O my God! (Ps 40:17)
Not that there’s any resolution at this point in time, but I don’t want to turn this into a soapy happy ending just yet either. Also helps that there isn’t a happy ending right now anyway. But yeahh I’d like to hope that this one true cry is the deepest of the depths that I’ve hit, and from there things will start picking up.
Hmm.. Where am I going with this..
At least I’ve been honest with God, and where He is is where I want to be. And that is good enough for now.
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